I’m going to go ahead and posit that literally none of us had a sex education that included a phrase like, “During sex, it’s totally okay to pause at any time. It’s okay to ask to slow down, take a break, get a glass of water, or rest for a moment. It’s also okay to say, ‘you know what, I think I’m complete today,’ at any time.”
How many times have you powered through a sexual experience?
For me, there were so many times in my 20s—hundreds, I’m sure—where I was so excited to go home with someone from a bar or a club, on autopilot after a few drinks or a few pills.
Then when we arrived at their apartment and began to make out, I found myself getting tired. Losing the zeal to fuck. This maybe happened before I even got there, or it maybe happened 20 minutes into penis-in-vagina sex … but it happened more often than not. I found myself totally disconnected, uncomfortable, and maybe flipping over so this guy could get off while I grimaced and worked hard to make him cum, so it could just be over already.
This doesn’t even have to show up in a one-night stand situation. We might keep having sex that we don’t really want because we’ve read that couples need to have sex at least once per week, or we fear losing our long-term partner if we don’t acquiesce to their needs. So instead of exploring a new type of sex that might feel good, we have sex for a reason other than our own pleasure.
Sound familiar?
Anytime we continue to have sex that we actually don’t want to be having, we signal to our bodies that we don’t care about their needs. We signal to our yoni/pussy that her boundaries aren’t worth our care and tending.
And over time, that kind of disregard builds up. For me, it turned into chronic yeast infections. The yeast infections were boundaries: boundaries that my body and unconscious mind enacted to protect me, because I wouldn’t (or couldn’t) do it with my own voice and actions.
I also began to experience pain during sex more often. That is, my body will tell me immediately if I’m not warmed up enough to have penetrative sex. If time hasn't been spent making out, getting full-body rubs, getting into a beautiful, relaxed, parasympathetic arousal state … then my vagina stays tight, and I experience an intense burning sensation upon any attempted entry.
You might say this sucks—and there are times I’m majorly frustrated with it— but it’s a really loving mechanism from my body, protecting me in the only way it knows how.
Because I’ve had so much sex that has registered in my body as a boundary violation (any sex we’re not a Hell Yes for), my body is incredibly protective at this point. it protects me from my safe and loving partner. It protects me from myself.
It forces me to sit with very real questions:
Do I want to be having sex right now?
Is this my true desire?
Do I need to speak up, to advocate for my needs?
Do I need to pause and take a moment to extract my energy from my lover, to place a hand on my heart and wait for an inkling for the next right step for me, even if I don’t know what it is quite yet?
So often we don’t know what the next step is, and that’s okay. It’s 100% okay to simply know, “this isn’t what I want to be doing right now.” And to pause, get internal, and find the next best step for you. Which might be completing the sexual experience. It might be snuggling. It might be dancing or acting like a wild animal with your partner to take the pressure off and play. It might be more oral sex, or a back rub. It could be ANYTHING.
Whatever it is, it’s yours. And it’s your right to have that need heard and met (if it’s in your lover’s wheelhouse) during your sexual experience.
“But I don’t want to offend my lover. I want to please them.”
I get that. This isn’t about being selfish, or not caring about our partners’ desires and pleasure.
Yet we have been socialized to care too much.
If you’re having sex with a man, remember that he hasn’t been socialized to care about your pleasure this much. He probably doesn’t perform acts that hurt his body, just to please you. That’s not even on his radar.
Yes, men have performative sex as well. Nothing is black and white. The beautiful thing about you pausing, being with your needs and communicating them … is that he will get permission to do the same thing. He will realize he can ask for a break as well. That he isn’t just there to serve with a hard dick. That he can be as he is, from moment to moment, without fear of not being enough.
Regardless of your sexual orientation or who you have sex with, modeling that it’s okay to stop, pause or slow down gives everyone a new permission to live in the moment. To move away from Point A to Point B sex—sex that gets boring because it always follows the same trajectory.
No shame or judgment if you have a really hard time knowing or voicing what you want during sex. Our voices are often blocked by a buildup of little-t trauma: the kind of trauma that doesn’t come from an acute experience, but in little experiences over time. The trauma of being raised in a society that is utterly confused around sex. The trauma of saying Yes when you mean No.
We’ve been told a big lie when it comes to sex.
That it’s only for pleasure. Yes, sex is for pleasure, please God absolutely. But sex is also for healing. It’s for a glimpse of divinity. It’s for deep connection and showing your authentic self. It’s a space for not just a hollow or cliche version of sexiness. Sex is a space for laughter, tears, rage, grief, processing, bliss, ecstasy, shamanic states, prayer, lust, primal impulses, and orgasmic states.
And the only way to get there is by being with what is in the moment, letting it come to the surface, and letting it move through you.
Start with the questions I listed above. Notice how you’re really feeling about having sex.
If you’re a Hell Yes, follow it! If you’re a No or a Maybe, ask for a pause. Ask to slow down. When you’re complete with this sexual experience, allow yourself to be done.
If you find yourself offering a blow job because you don’t want to have sex anymore, really feel into that. Do you want to give that blowjob? Then hell yes, girl, give it! Are you doing it to be perfunctory, and out of the story that he has to cum or he’ll be upset/you’ll be a bad lover? If you’re doing it for any reason other than desire, don’t do it. Your body will thank you profoundly.
With new lovers, bring in these principles right away. Let them in on the why, the how, what sex looks like for you. If you’re introducing this to a long-time partner and you fear rocking the boat, maybe read them this article. Let them know that your body and psyche might be healing from years of going along with a lover, regardless of your true needs and desires.
So many times, women need a break from sex altogether, a recalibration. This can be a time of self-reflection, sexuality coaching, trauma and shame resolution, self-forgiveness and processing of past experiences, using a jade egg, or diving into your own self-pleasure.
The result of this work is better sex that smashes the patriarchy.
It dismantles the invisible systems present in the way we have sex: the way we’ve prized the male arousal arch and men’s pleasure. It takes people with vulvas 30-45 minutes to become aroused (that’s a biological reality of how long it takes for full blood flow and engorgement of the vulva and vagina). Does porn reflect that? No. Does our sexual education share anything about women’s pleasure? No.
The more we turn our full bodies on, the better sex we have, whether that’s penetrative sex or not.
When we slow down and get present, we heal from past experiences, and create sex that is more equilateral—that is pleasurable for everyone involved.
You know. The way sex should be.
*Please note this is written from my experience. I consider myself pansexual, yet many of my lovers have been cis-men, as well as gender queer. My past experiences with women have also been influenced by my socialized need to please and perform, and by the influence of porn, the male arousal arch and male sexual standard. No gender is exempt from performative sex, and from needing to do the work to parse out sexual conditioning from authentic sexual desires/needs.