Sometimes I find myself looking in the mirror, wishing I looked like I did when I was 25 years old.
Can you imagine being eternally stuck at 25, though? Can you imagine that bullshit?
If I were eternally 25, I’d be working a 9-5 job, with no confidence in my creativity or intellect. I’d be chasing ANY FUCKING MAN that might save me from my life. I’d be going straight into a true love fantasy the moment we met, spending the first 3 months being a porno goddess that only catered to his pleasure. I’d be denying any and all red flags because “OMG this guy is in love with me, and I must be in love too.” Waking up six months later with no attraction to him (because I’m having orgasms only 25% of the time we have sex, if that … because I’ve taught him that my pleasure is based on sex that looks like whatever I saw on pornhub that day, not on how I actually feel in the moment). Then I’d find myself struck by the realization that “he doesn’t know me at all.”
And I would literally get JayZ’s On To the Next One stuck in my head (haha, I’m a dork), and do just that. Leave this man, and recreate the cycle.
It’s not like I was the only one fucking up in these relationships, but I do see the pattern I lived in until I was 31. I didn’t like the trajectory of my relationships, but I couldn’t figure out why they all ended the same way. Why my love for sex always got squashed out of me. Why I always felt like the person I was with … expected me to be someone I wasn’t.
It wasn’t until I did work around my childhood wounding and patterning that I began having aha moments. I realized I was the common denominator of all these relationships, and if they were all going the same way, it pointed to a certain someone fucking up: me.
I remember exactly where I was when I had the realization that the reason I dated men who didn’t care about me all that much, that wanted me to be a sex robot and not much else, was because I had always craved my father’s approval.
Not that my father wanted me to be a sex robot. Um, nope. But I was recreating the pattern of asking my father to see me, by asking someone who was emotionally unavailable to see me. This pattern was deeply ingrained and oddly comfortable. A rut so deep that I couldn’t even see it; I could only live it.
I began to see a coach who worked with childhood patterning, through talk and energy work. I discovered the term radical responsibility, and moved out of my victim mindset. When I started to look at my parents and how they did and didn’t show up for me: goldmine. I wasn’t running my relationships. My hurt inner child was; she was looking for “love” in all the wrong places. And when she found a good guy, she couldn’t even trust it or comprehend it.
We all create our stories based on our experiences when we are babes, when our egos are forming, when we are the center of our own universes. And reading about it isn’t enough. It takes work, it takes unraveling. And it’s the most rewarding work, mmm, basically ever. Because from it, you get to make choices based on the real you, the one underneath the bullshit and the conditioning. Choices made based on your real desires.
And yes, in the beginning, you will make mistakes. You will choose things that don’t work. You will experiment; you will get knocked down; you will wonder if it’s all worth it. As you move toward your desires with grace, toward your soul’s mission in the world, you will find that nothing else is worth it quite like this.
Interested in doing this work? I’d love to chat with you about how I can support you.